Why Did the Sand Trap Cross the Road?

Jane CarrollRecently…I saw a man on the beach…with a golf club. My first thought was…  oh…he’s practicing getting out of sand traps…what better place?

About that time…Bertha…flitted by…in her purplest bikini…and asked me…if his time would be better spent…practicing getting out of a sand trap…or perfecting his swing so that he didn’t land in one in the first place…

Well…em…um…mmm…hmmm…it was like the chicken and the egg question…and I didn’t have an answer for her…

My first thought was…hello…he should perfect his swing…but then that little voice in my head said…well…what about when he hits the sand and he doesn’t know how to get out…he’s got to be prepared

So I have to admit…I didn’t know the answer to the question…

Of course…Bertha…was all too happy to give me her fifty cents worth…she never stops at just two…reminding us…that just like our life…every time we shift our focus to all the…what ifs…we take our attention off of our goal…when we’re planning how we will handle all the things that could go wrong…we’re not focusing on how to make things go right…and…things will most likely go wrong…because that has been our primary focus…then…we pat ourselves on the back…and say…wasn’t I smart to plan for that

So…continuing the golf analogy…she said that we should only focus on what we want…our swing…connecting with the ball…landing on the green…or whatever it is that golf balls are supposed to doperhaps a non-golfer shouldn’t be writing this post…and…the ball dropping into the cup…

But…what about when we land in a sand trap…

Interestingly…she said that as we focus on what we want…we will be inspired to take the actions necessary to bring that into our life…and that may include swinging around a sand trap…but…the energy of it will be different…we will be seeing the goal…not looking for the challenges…on occasion…the sand trap will just be part of the journey to the hole…it won’t be a big hairy deal…

Of course…I’ve spent some time in the contemplation chair over this one…and I understand the fine-line difference she is referring to…I also realize that it is the same lesson…dressed a little differently…that she was giving us last week…when she told us to lose our but

Changing a sentence from…

I want to be a good golfer…but…there are all these sand traps!

To…

I want to be a good golfer…and I will figure it out…I am certain of it!

Here are…Bertha’s…suggestions for focusing on what we want…

She said it could be done a couple of ways…the first is visualization…it’s easy to do…just get quiet and daydream about our life if our dream had already come true…

Or…we can do it in writing…it’s called scripting…and we just write as if our dreams have already come true…an easy way is to make it a journal entry dated in the future…and just write all the wonderful things that are happening in your life…

Just remember…keep your eyes on the hole-in-one…and you won’t have to carry your golf clubs to the beach…unless you feel inspired to do so…

Jane

Coaching with Jane Carroll and BerthaThese techniques work well…whether you are focusing on your career or your love life or your health…

CLICK HERE if you’d like to request a FREE Session with Bertha and Me… to see how these techniques can work in your life.

The High Cost of Playing Nice…

Cost of Playing NiceFor years…I played nice

I said…sure…when I wanted to say…no…from everything to can you work an extra shift…to…can you replace this zipper for me…to…can you watch my dog for two weeks…

I took on extra assignments and did favor upon favors for friends…and in the process…everyone agreed…Jane is so nice…she will always help out…

Of course…there were a couple of people who might not have agreed…when my taking on things for others…took away from what I could do for them…and that would be…my girls…

That’s right…in always being there for someone else…I wasn’t always there for my daughters…now…don’t get me wrong…they weren’t neglected or anything like that…it’s just…I could have been a lot more present for them…if I wasn’t busy doing things for someone else…

Now…I have to admit…that although I was a pushover for a lot of people…there was that one person…that I kept doing more and more for…and now…looking back…I think I really believed that if I did enough for him…I would be indispensable…and then my life would be wonderful…

In truth…I was pretty indispensable…he wanted something done…he mentioned it to me…I moved heaven and earth…work and kids…to make it happen…and somehow…I felt honored that I was smart enough and talented enough…to be the one he asked to do his important things…

But…that wasn’t the magic wand that made us live happily ever after…no…it was just the tire iron…that kept him asking for more and more…and me making it happen…while my own life actually got smaller and smaller…

Thankfully…that has been several years ago…and…thanks to…Bertha…and lots of hard work…I am no longer that person…giving my all to please someone else…in fact…I’m a Life Coach now…and I help other women who are experiencing the same kind of people pleasing things that I used to do…

Recently…Bertha…wanted to look at those years from a slightly different perspective…other than my self-esteem…what had it cost me to play nice?

Well…with calculator in hand…I did the math…and it wasn’t pretty…a conservative estimate was that playing nice…had cost me…over 16,425 hours…or…685 days…almost 2 full years…of time that I could have been doing other things…and…on top of that…if I had earned my salary at the time for the hours I gave away…I could have made over $400,000…

And that doesn’t even take into consideration the emotional costs…of trying so hard to make someone else happy…of being afraid to say no because if I did…the relationship would end…and yes at the time I thought that would be a bad thing…of feeling guilty when I put his needs above my kids and my job…and…so much more…

So…what have I learned…how did I change…how did I let go of this relationship…and take back my life…

The answer is I have learned so much…

First…I became aware of what was really going on in my life…and why I had the overwhelming need to please someone else at my expense…and that had to do with fear of rejection and not being enough

Next…I learned that willpower doesn’t work because I had underlying, unconscious beliefs…that kept me too afraid to say no…so I learned how to change the energy of my old beliefs…and now I can say no to those ridiculous demands on my time and resources…

Then…I began taking action…saying no in small ways…then bigger and bigger…and doing it without feeling…guilty

Now…I’m enjoying my life…one day at a time…saying NO to the things I don’t want to do…and I find that I can do that in grace and love…which is very important to me…because…

I am still a nice person…

Jane

PS…as a result of my years of playing nice…and the lessons that I learned along the way…I now work with coaching clients who are where I once was. If my story resonates with you…I would love to help you Stop Paying the High Cost of Playing Nice…I have set aside some time for a few FREE strategy sessions and I would love to talk with you about how you can turn your life around. Just click here to request an appointmentyou don’t have to be a people pleaser anymore.