Lies I Tell Myself…

IMG_6039-2 copyBertha… wanted me to talk about… lying… this morning… according to her I have been falling prey to four of the more common lies… even though I may not utter the words to anyone else… I hear them loud and clear…

I don’t have time… go to the gym… write… make the bed… keep the house the way I like it to look… only to find… that once I determined that I wanted to do these things… that they were really important to me… time didn’t seem to be a problem…

It doesn’t matter… whatever you want to do… has crossed my lips more times than hot fudge sauce… when… at least part of the time… it did matter… there was something that I wanted to do… somewhere I wanted to eat… something I wanted to watch…

I’m fine… nothing is the matter… oh… sparing someone else’s feelings… by burying mine… pretending that that unacceptable behavior was acceptable… pretending that my life is perfect… so no one will know that I am vulnerable…

I can’t afford it… and while it is true… there are many things that I can’t afford… it’s even more true that those aren’t the things I generally say I can’t afford… no… the things I usually refer to as too expensive… are usually things that I don’t really want… because… 99% of the time… if I really want something… I find a way to get it… I scrimp on something else… I save for it I work extra… I sell something… I borrow money… I ask for it as a gift…

So… yes… I’m guilty… no… not every day… and not all the time… in fact… I’m getting better about living my truth… but there are still times… when these falsehoods cross my mind and my lips…

Bertha… says… that’s okay… it’s a process… it’s learning to ask myself… is that really true… do I not have time… does it really not matter… am I really fine… can I really not afford it or do I just not want it… then she says to ask… what do I really want… how can I make this happen… where do I want to go… what do I want to do… how do I want to be treated… what do I really need today…

She says the more I do that… the more I will respect myself… and interestingly… the more others will respect me, too…

Jane…

Oh… and she said the same is true for you…

So Many Berthas…

BerthaOver the years… I’ve had people tell me that they wished… Bertha… would come and stay with them for a while… I’ve also had people tell me that they missed… Bertha’s… wisdom when I didn’t write for a while…

So… today… Bertha… said that I should remind everyone… that… everyone has their very own… Bertha… with them… every moment of every day…

That’s right… you may call her Maude or Millie… or call him Fred or Frank… but regardless of the name… each of us has a voice of inner wisdom… even if you don’t listen… it’s always there… and it’s always guiding you…

Bertha… says the funny part is… the less you listen… the quieter the voice… and the more you listen… the more clearly you can hear it… she says it’s kind of like developing a muscle… the more you use it… the stronger it gets… or in her case… the louder

Of course… even after all these years… and as loud as she talks… I don’t always hear her… especially when I’m determined to do things… my way… and I ignore those gut feelings… that sense of heaviness and that something just isn’t right… but I stomp my foot and do it anyway… even though by that time… Bertha… is doing her best rendition of the robot on Lost in Space… you remember… danger Will Robinson… danger Will Robinson… while I get captured by the Martians…

Thankfully… there are more times now that I do listen… I visit a friend on a hunch… just to find that they needed to talk… or that I did… I pass on an opportunity… then find out that it wasn’t as great as it was presented…

But… I have to say… I most enjoy… Bertha… when she is relating common, everyday things to my life in general… like when she showed me that a flower growing in the middle of my dry creek had to do with resilience after being tossed around by the winds of life…

Yes… those are the messages that I love… and she assures me… that Millie and Frank… have wonderful lessons for you… all you have to do… is get quiet enough to hear them whisper… and soon… they’ll they will be talking nonstop…

Jane…