School’s Out…Who Am I…

It’s the last day of school…and just like millions of school kids…I’m ecstatic…I’m ready for the summer break…ready for sleeping a little later…ready to have more time to write…ready to…well…I’m just ready

The funny thing is…when the time actually comes…the last bell rings…leaving feels kind of odd…I’ve looked forward to it…and yet…usually…I hate to leave…I sort of hang around…not knowing how to say goodbye to my friends…my work…

The kids must feel the same way…because…the same kids that we couldn’t keep in class for love nor money all year…won’t leave once classes have dismissed…they hang around…they offer to help the teachers clean the rooms…they sweep the halls…they move furniture…they have to be shooed out of the building so we can lock up…

Berthasays…it reminds her of my life…I should have seen that one coming…anyway…she says it’s that fear of getting out of my comfort zone…even if…it isn’t where I want to be…it’s what I know…what I’m…well…comfortable with…

And…she’s right…love them or not…I have my workday routines down pat…I know what time I need to get up…go to bed…what day to shop…what day to clean…well…just because I know…doesn’t mean I do it…geez…

I think the real issue is…I don’t know who am I’m this summer…I’m not the same person I was two summers ago…when I rode my bike forty some odd miles a day and challenged my body…I’m not the same person I was last summer…when I spent most of my time on the couch…continuing to recover from surgery…this summer…I’m different…I’m writing again…I want to ride…but…I don’t want it to consume me…I want to strike a balance…spiritually…physically…mentally…creatively…

I realize…I’ve been trying to plan a rigid schedule for the summer…crack the whip…get up early…write…eat…cycle…shower…write…write…write…housework…cooking…so many things…that I want to accomplish…

And…there’s the fear…will I be able to do it all…will I be able to finish the book…will I be able to get back in shape…as long as summer is sometime in the future…I don’t have to find out…but…tomorrow…when it’s summer…well…after my dentist appointment…I have to figure that out…

It’s the fear…that has me creating the rigid schedules in my head…and…it all boils down to…am I good enough…and…the answer is…yes…I am…whether I finish the book…whether I ride my bike…whether I cook or clean…I am good enough…just because…I am…

Hmmm…time to relax…and let the days take their own structure…doing what feels right…what feels comfortable…letting the time flow with my energy…Bertha…says…that’s part of living my truth…

So…today…when that last bell rings…I wonder…will I be the first or the last one out the door…well…I probably will be among the first…see…I have a hair appointment…and I really need a cut…so when all is said and done…vanity trumps fear…

Jane

Bloggless in Alabama…

My post yesterday on Fear of Missing Out brought up a fun blast from the past with some of my friends party lines, now for those of you who are too young or who were blessed with private lines in your area let me explain…party lines were sort of like our current extension phones, they were just in your neighbor’s house usually about eight of them.

So while many of us only had one phone in our house, no danger of mom or dad listening in, our neighbors could, and did eavesdrop at will often recounting every little juicy detail of our adolescent tête-à-têtes, at where else the beauty shop of course. Now I will say I was fortunate by the time I was into adolescent soul bearing we had moved to an area with private lines, not so for some of my friends who were in more rural areas of the county. But even without the party line somehow my mother always seemed to find out exactly what I’d been up to at her weekly beauty shop appointments. I’m convinced that she would go in and say give me a quick shampoo and a set, and tell me what Jane has been up to, her stiffly teased updo a mere disguise for keeping tabs on me.

All of this being said, because I’m taking a bit of a vacation it’s Spring Break, so I’m taking the week off from writing, and even though I have lots of fun things planned I’m a bit afraid of missing out. I’ve not gone that long without blogging in a while what will happen to my blog if I’m not here?

Well duh nothing that was Bertha’s answer, and I know it’s true, and that’s what scares me. I’ll miss the feedback. I’ll miss the connection. I’ll miss the place in my life that my blog fills. So it’s a conscious decision release the connection, release the feedback, allow other things to fill my life, breathe it in, relax, enjoy the other things life has to offer, but it’s still unsettling, it’s still difficult to give up even for a few days something that is part of my identity, even if the break will only make it better. I’ll spend some time contemplating that feeling, that fear, allowing it to evolve, doing the Forgiveness Prayer, for those parts of me where I feel afraid. I feel better already. Besides Bertha says not to worry. I can always go to the beauty shop, if I need to catch up, thankfully some things never change. Jane