It’s About Time…

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There are a lot of changes… losses of sorts… I should feel empty… but instead… I feel freedom… like it all fluttered out to make space for something else… or maybe not… maybe there is nothing else for me…

But… I don’t really believe that… there’s always something else… it might not be what I think I want it to be… but there is always something else…

That’s a nice thought…

There’s always something else… always something more… always something fresh… always a place to land when I fall… there is always something else…

Not sure how this writing will go… not sure where I want it to go…

Writing opens my heart and fills me with possibilities… possibilities that are sometimes painful… sometimes scary… sometimes it’s easier to stay closed…

At least… it was… but like that bud… sooner or later… being closed hurts too much and you have to open… flower… all over again… even though you know the blossom will eventually wilt… and fall away… it has to be done…

I’m 62 years old… don’t I think it’s time?

It’s time… isn’t it?

It is…

So… I will write… and on the days that it pleases me… I will share my words with the world… and on the days that it doesn’t… I will ponder them and squander them until another day…

Bertha flutters by… it’s about time… she whisper shouts as she goes…

 

Lies I Tell Myself…

IMG_6039-2 copyBertha… wanted me to talk about… lying… this morning… according to her I have been falling prey to four of the more common lies… even though I may not utter the words to anyone else… I hear them loud and clear…

I don’t have time… go to the gym… write… make the bed… keep the house the way I like it to look… only to find… that once I determined that I wanted to do these things… that they were really important to me… time didn’t seem to be a problem…

It doesn’t matter… whatever you want to do… has crossed my lips more times than hot fudge sauce… when… at least part of the time… it did matter… there was something that I wanted to do… somewhere I wanted to eat… something I wanted to watch…

I’m fine… nothing is the matter… oh… sparing someone else’s feelings… by burying mine… pretending that that unacceptable behavior was acceptable… pretending that my life is perfect… so no one will know that I am vulnerable…

I can’t afford it… and while it is true… there are many things that I can’t afford… it’s even more true that those aren’t the things I generally say I can’t afford… no… the things I usually refer to as too expensive… are usually things that I don’t really want… because… 99% of the time… if I really want something… I find a way to get it… I scrimp on something else… I save for it I work extra… I sell something… I borrow money… I ask for it as a gift…

So… yes… I’m guilty… no… not every day… and not all the time… in fact… I’m getting better about living my truth… but there are still times… when these falsehoods cross my mind and my lips…

Bertha… says… that’s okay… it’s a process… it’s learning to ask myself… is that really true… do I not have time… does it really not matter… am I really fine… can I really not afford it or do I just not want it… then she says to ask… what do I really want… how can I make this happen… where do I want to go… what do I want to do… how do I want to be treated… what do I really need today…

She says the more I do that… the more I will respect myself… and interestingly… the more others will respect me, too…

Jane…

Oh… and she said the same is true for you…