Lies I Tell Myself…

IMG_6039-2 copyBertha… wanted me to talk about… lying… this morning… according to her I have been falling prey to four of the more common lies… even though I may not utter the words to anyone else… I hear them loud and clear…

I don’t have time… go to the gym… write… make the bed… keep the house the way I like it to look… only to find… that once I determined that I wanted to do these things… that they were really important to me… time didn’t seem to be a problem…

It doesn’t matter… whatever you want to do… has crossed my lips more times than hot fudge sauce… when… at least part of the time… it did matter… there was something that I wanted to do… somewhere I wanted to eat… something I wanted to watch…

I’m fine… nothing is the matter… oh… sparing someone else’s feelings… by burying mine… pretending that that unacceptable behavior was acceptable… pretending that my life is perfect… so no one will know that I am vulnerable…

I can’t afford it… and while it is true… there are many things that I can’t afford… it’s even more true that those aren’t the things I generally say I can’t afford… no… the things I usually refer to as too expensive… are usually things that I don’t really want… because… 99% of the time… if I really want something… I find a way to get it… I scrimp on something else… I save for it I work extra… I sell something… I borrow money… I ask for it as a gift…

So… yes… I’m guilty… no… not every day… and not all the time… in fact… I’m getting better about living my truth… but there are still times… when these falsehoods cross my mind and my lips…

Bertha… says… that’s okay… it’s a process… it’s learning to ask myself… is that really true… do I not have time… does it really not matter… am I really fine… can I really not afford it or do I just not want it… then she says to ask… what do I really want… how can I make this happen… where do I want to go… what do I want to do… how do I want to be treated… what do I really need today…

She says the more I do that… the more I will respect myself… and interestingly… the more others will respect me, too…

Jane…

Oh… and she said the same is true for you…

I Come In Truth…

You may already know that I’m working on…Bertha’s sequel…sometimes I wonder why I haven’t finished it yet…and she tells me…I haven’t learned all the lessons that need to be in it…of course…she then teaches me another lesson…just to prove her point…

One thing I’ve learned about…life lessons…is that there are layers to them…it’s not like it’s introduced to me once…like sticking my hand in the fire…and…I’ve got it…both specifically and generally…

No…some lessons need to be learned from different angles…with all the tiny nuances they entail…

Living my truth…is one such lesson…

We started out…with…Bertha…helping me learn the importance of listening to my body…and its needs…resting when I’m tired…being active when I’m feeling sluggish…knowing the difference…

But…of course…it didn’t end there…it also had to do with self-talk…especially negative self-talk…and learning to be kinder and gentler with myself…

And…while those two were difficult in their own way…they were much easier than learning to speak my truth to others…not that I was a habitual liar…but in a way I was…because I found…still find…it difficult to tell someone the truth if it will hurt their feelings…even when they’ve asked me…and I know in the long run…it’s in their best interest…

I’ve had a couple of instances in the past few months…that I actually have had to do that…and…it was difficult…to say the least…and…although I know I did the right thing…it still doesn’t feel good…

So…that’s the chapters that I am working on now…living my truth…and…because she is so kind…Bertha…continues to bring examples into my life…the latest one…had to do with watching someone…blatantly lie…to my face…andas my Mama would sayin front of God and everybody…when everyone involved…knew they were lying…and…this lie was trying to cover the first lie…that they had told…which was also witnessed…

It was almost like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar…saying that they weren’t even in the kitchen at the time…while wiping cookie crumbs off their mouth…

Hmmm…thank you…Bertha…that situation does bring the lesson home…as I assimilate it…and see exactly where it fits into the my life…and…my writing…I may never finish the sequel…there still seems to be so much to learn…

Oh…Bertha…says that just means…book three…silly me…I should have seen that one coming…

Jane