Janerella…


Once upon a time…in the faraway land of 1989…I owned a green silk dress…now…it wasn’t just any green silk dress…it was a magic green silk dress…the one that fit like a glove…the one with one big black button showing at the neckline…and a black patent belt at the waist…the one with a flowing skirt…the one that made me feel like a princess…
I knew it was magic when I saw it…it was perfect…I’d wear it to…
Okay…now…don’t get all in a flutter…there wasn’t a ball…this isn’t that kind of fairy tale…I was going to Birmingham…for a pap smear…and then meeting a male friend for lunch…not a Prince Charming…just a friend…but I wanted to look nice all the same…
I used to work for the doctor I was seeing…this was my first trip back…after moving home to Moulton following…the d-i-v-o-r-c-e…I wanted to look exceptionally nice…they were my friends…so…I wanted to impress…
I dressed with extreme care…good black underwear…new black pantyhose…black heels…hair and make-up just so…I looked so good…I’m sure the Prince would have chosen me over that cinder slipper girl
We lived just down the street from the Elementary School…and morning school traffic was still passing the house as I loaded the car for my trip…
I noticed a rather run down car slowing as it passed…and the woman driving…looking intently at me…I puffed up a bit…I knew she was thinking how beautiful I looked in my green silk dress…I felt bad for her…knowing she probably didn’t have one so nice at home…
I left the house…and drove to the walk-up automatic teller…on our main street…I’d stepped in something along the way…and I spent a few minutes…wiping my shoe on the grass before going in the little glass building…
Money in hand…I proceeded to drive to Cullman…where I stopped for gas…after finishing at the pumps…I started in for a potty break…when I noticed…a definite breeze…my hand instinctively went to my derriere…where I felt…lumpy pantyhose…not the flowing silk I was anticipating…
Yup…you got it…my dress was without a doubt tucked into my pantyhose…the woman in the rattle trap car wasn’t envious of my beauty…she was laughing her fool head off…wondering whether she should blow the horn and tell me or not…she chose not
There is no telling how many people drove by as I scrapped my shoe on the grass outside of the bank…and by the way…what I had stepped in…did not smell good…not to mention…the people watching me pump gas…
I can literally say…I showed my butt all over town…and then some…
And…like all fairy tales…this is a day…I will never forget…
But you know me…over the years…I’ve looked for the meaning in it…and I’ve found several…
Of course there’s the obvious…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…
Then there’s…pride goeth before tucking your dress into your pantyhose…
But…the one that is really sticking with me today…the reason that I’m telling you this story…
Oh great…it just hit you…that I’m a shoplifter…and a streaker…geez…I would say don’t tell Mama…but she already knows…but…I digress…
What comes to mind today…is the fallacy of…faking it
Now…faking it…certainly worked for Sally…when she met Harry…or at least it made good comedy…but I’m not sure that’s how I want to live anymore…
That’s right…I’ve done my share…
Answering…I’m fine…when I wasn’t…and…there was no reason to lie…but I did…not sure who I was trying to convince…me or them…
Saying…nothing…it’s okay…when I was angry or hurt…
And the list could go on and on…and I’m already humiliated enough for the day…you’ll just have to guess at the rest…
Now…I’m not here to say that I think I…or anyone…should share every emotion with the world…okay…I saw you roll your eyes…I had an emotion last week that I didn’t tell you about…I don’t tell you everything…so there
But…rather…I’m thinking that instead of putting on a front for others…pretending to feel some way that I don’t…wouldn’t it be better to take the steps to actually feel better…to heal…to be kind to myself…to say the forgiveness prayer…to spend time in contemplation…to get some exercise…to take some deep breaths…to get out in nature…to seek help if I need it…to live my truth…
And wouldn’t it be better to check out my backside in the mirror…before I leave the house…
Jane

2 thoughts on “Janerella…

  1. Oh girl, we've all been there… yeah, the pantyhose thing, but also the not living our truth thing…

    This is so relevant to what I'm working on this week. I've finally reconciled that who I am IS who I want to be… in all areas of my life. I'm done faking it til I make it… I'm going to truth it til I make it… doesn't rhyme quite as nicely, but you know what I mean – LOL!!

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