School’s Out…Who Am I…


It’s the last day of school…and just like millions of school kids…I’m ecstatic…I’m ready for the summer break…ready for sleeping a little later…ready to have more time to write…ready to…well…I’m just ready

The funny thing is…when the time actually comes…the last bell rings…leaving feels kind of odd…I’ve looked forward to it…and yet…usually…I hate to leave…I sort of hang around…not knowing how to say goodbye to my friends…my work…

The kids must feel the same way…because…the same kids that we couldn’t keep in class for love nor money all year…won’t leave once classes have dismissed…they hang around…they offer to help the teachers clean the rooms…they sweep the halls…they move furniture…they have to be shooed out of the building so we can lock up…

Berthasays…it reminds her of my life…I should have seen that one coming…anyway…she says it’s that fear of getting out of my comfort zone…even if…it isn’t where I want to be…it’s what I know…what I’m…well…comfortable with…

And…she’s right…love them or not…I have my workday routines down pat…I know what time I need to get up…go to bed…what day to shop…what day to clean…well…just because I know…doesn’t mean I do it…geez…

I think the real issue is…I don’t know who am I’m this summer…I’m not the same person I was two summers ago…when I rode my bike forty some odd miles a day and challenged my body…I’m not the same person I was last summer…when I spent most of my time on the couch…continuing to recover from surgery…this summer…I’m different…I’m writing again…I want to ride…but…I don’t want it to consume me…I want to strike a balance…spiritually…physically…mentally…creatively…

I realize…I’ve been trying to plan a rigid schedule for the summer…crack the whip…get up early…write…eat…cycle…shower…write…write…write…housework…cooking…so many things…that I want to accomplish…

And…there’s the fear…will I be able to do it all…will I be able to finish the book…will I be able to get back in shape…as long as summer is sometime in the future…I don’t have to find out…but…tomorrow…when it’s summer…well…after my dentist appointment…I have to figure that out…

It’s the fear…that has me creating the rigid schedules in my head…and…it all boils down to…am I good enough…and…the answer is…yes…I am…whether I finish the book…whether I ride my bike…whether I cook or clean…I am good enough…just because…I am…

Hmmm…time to relax…and let the days take their own structure…doing what feels right…what feels comfortable…letting the time flow with my energy…Bertha…says…that’s part of living my truth…

So…today…when that last bell rings…I wonder…will I be the first or the last one out the door…well…I probably will be among the first…see…I have a hair appointment…and I really need a cut…so when all is said and done…vanity trumps fear…

Jane

8 thoughts on “School’s Out…Who Am I…

    • Thanks, Peggy…I know I will…I just had to get settled down a bit…we’re doing Camp NaNoWriMo in June…goal…50,000 words in 30 days…I’m sure that will keep me writing!

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