Shredding Sadness…

Funny thing about me…I tend to grieve…about change…in advance…I always have…so that by the time the actual event takes place…I…at least appear…to be…okay…

And…usually…I truly am…

That’s what happened yesterday…well…with a little help from…Bertha

I didn’t know she had a plan…when…suddenly on Thursday…I decided to…organize…my office paperwork…some of which I inherited six years ago

Plus…there’s the fact that I really felt bad the last two years…as I crawled out of the building at the end of school…stashing stuff that needed to be filed…into drawers to be attended to later…

Thursday…was later…

What I didn’t realize…as I questioned my sanity for starting the project…was that it was very…therapeutic…and…essential…in helping me deal with the sadness that I was feeling…

I mentioned…yesterday…that…anger…is one of the steps I needed to take…the only problem was…there was no one to be angry at…I understood and agreed with everything that was happening…I knew it was for the best…I just felt sad about it…how could I be angry…

Enter…shredding…

I didn’t have to be overtly angry…to work out that emotion…shredding did it for me…there’s something about sticking paper into a machine…and shredding it to bits…that works out the anger…

Truly…I was overwhelmed…with all the changes…and then…with the paper explosion I had created in my office…piles…stacks…everywhere…

Enter…organizing…

There’s something empowering…about organizing…it gave me a sense of…being in control…of more than just the paper piles…of my life in general…I was making order out of chaos…

A few of us went for a farewell lunch…we laughed a lot…but…saying goodbye could have been really difficult…

Enter…purpose

I had to get back to school…to finish those piles…I couldn’t…hang around…getting sadder and sadder…I still had work to do

And…I got it done…

Bertha…seemed satisfied…as I turned the key in the lock…leaving things in good shape…and…feeling the same…

Jane

Blue Eyes…

I’m sad…

Bertha…assures me…I need to feel the sadness…then I can let it go…

Easy for her to say…

But…I don’t want to…I don’t want to be sad…I want to be happy…I want to laugh…I want to crack jokes…I don’t want to say goodbye to the people that I love…I don’t want today to be the last day that I work fulltime in my school…I don’t want to be shared with another school…I don’t want my friends to transfer…

I want things to be the way there are…imperfect as that may be…it’s what I know…it’s what I want…

I don’t want to be facing…funerals…for two dear friends…I want them…to be alive and well…

Is that too much to ask…

And…now…as I type…Frank Sinatra…is suddenly singing…I Did It My Way…on the radio…how could that be…Bertha…must have hijacked the station…

Okay…Bertha…I feel the sadness…I just don’t quite know what to do with it…

Oh…I know…the way out of sadness for me…it’s a maze I’ve maneuvered before…acknowledgement…anger…acceptance…appreciation…

But…it feels like…I’ve been…blindfolded…spun around…and told to…pin the tail on the donkey…I don’t have my bearings…

Then…the tears come…leading the way…

Jane

PS…I knew putting on makeup this morning…was…a…waste of time…