I Like Big Bottom Lines…I Cannot Lie…

I was talking with a friend this weekend…about relationships…their sentiment being…that there’s always a bottom line…a low point…an invisible line…that once it’s crossed…there’s no going back…unfortunately…it’s not something that can be articulated to the other person…ahead of time…

Well…you know me…I’ve contemplated that a lot since then…and…I can appreciate the truth to it…I’ve always thought of it as a door…that once closed couldn’t be reopened…but…I don’t think the image is as important as the concept…

In looking back to the times that I chose to end a relationship…I can see…there was always a decisive moment…when things could have gone either way…one action…one word…could have spared the relationship…but…left undone…left unspoken…there was no going back…even if the relationship continued for a time…it was empty…null…void…

Interestingly…I couldn’t have told you ahead of time…what that moment would be…maybe it’s the realization that things will never change…maybe it’s realizing that staying in the relationship is more painful than living without it…I’m sure that if I contemplate it long enough…I can find the common denominator…that elusive feeling that I can’t yet describe…

Bertha…was eavesdropping on the conversation…and my contemplation…she later told me that the bottom line…applies to much more than intimate relationships…it applies to my whole life…

She reminds me of jobs I have left…after being unhappy for some time…and not taking action…one day…it was just over…the thought of staying in the job was more painful than looking for a new one…and I started looking…

Then…there is my body…she reminds me of the events of the summer…when I realized that it was more painful to continue to seek comfort in food…than to create a healthier lifestyle…including releasing those foods…

And…she’s right…even though I wasn’t totally aware that the line had been drawn…that it was being crossed at the time…once it was…there was never a doubt…and…no going back…

Jane

Fear of Commitment…

I went for a bike ride Saturday afternoon…it was a lovely day…the weather was perfect…not too hot…not too cold…in the words of…Baby Bear…it was just right…

I wanted to be outside…wanted to get some exercise…a bike ride just seemed like the thing to do…I didn’t ride that far…only around town…didn’t ride that long…about 30 minutes…didn’t go that fast…I just enjoyed the ride…

As I was enjoying the things I enjoy about riding…the sense of freedom…seeing things from a totally different perspective than when I drive…feeling the power of propelling myself forward…yellow butterflies fluttering by…I wondered…why I hadn’t ridden at all this summer…I know it was on my to-do list…when school got out…

There was a day…not so long ago…before my Chiari surgery…when I was riding at least 20 miles a day during the summer…and most weekends the rest of the year…I really pushed my limits…it was almost an obsession…

And…yet…it had been months since my feet touched the pedals…so…I had to wonder…why…

Bertha…was all too happy to answer for me…

She said…that prior to Saturday…each time I rode…or thought about riding…that I was looking at it from…an all or nothing perspective…either…I was going to be that girl…who rode with a vengeance…or…I was gonna be that girl with two bikes sitting in the garage with flat tires…

Bertha…further explained…that I hadn’t been riding because…I wasn’t ready to make a commitment to riding with a vengeance…so…I just let the bikes sit there…

Hmmm…well…yes…I suppose that could be the truth…

Luckily…she said…there is a third option…and I found it this weekend…and that is riding a bit…doing what feels good…when it feels good…that…a Saturday afternoon ride…isn’t a commitment to do a Century…a 100 mile ride…it’s just what it is…an enjoyable afternoon…

Of course…she didn’t let it go at that…she had to relate it to my life as well…other areas…where I have an all or nothing attitude…but…I think we’re out of time…so maybe we’ll discuss them later…and…maybe not…

Jane