Wave Crashers…

I’ve been feeling tumultuous lately…not quite being able to settle down fromJane Carroll one surge of emotions…before…the next one comes crashing through…

I find that frustrating…I mean…I’ve been doing my spiritual practices…without fail…prayer…meditation…affirmation…contemplation…forgiveness…I’ve done them all…and…yet…the emotional waves keep coming…

What am I doing wrong…

Bertha…assures me…I’m doing nothing wrong…in fact…I’m doing everything right…she says during times of growth…that strong emotions will surface…be exposed for work and healing…but once they are healed…the next wave is ready to peak…

She says…that without the practices that I do…I wouldn’t be seeing a series of waves…that it would be more like a tsunami…

I hadn’t thought of it in those terms…hadn’t thought of this as a time of rapid growth…I remember now…thinking this summer would be a time of learning and growth…I embraced that…I welcomed it…

Be careful what you ask forBertha…chides…

And…she’s right…I have gotten exactly what I had asked for…just not the way I thought it would be…I thought it would be the equivalent of sitting on the mountain top…not lying on the beach with the surf pounding me…

So…for autumn…I’m thinking…I’ll be more selective…smooth sailing…with gentle breezes…I think I’ve grown and learned enough for a while…

Hmmm…I wonder how that will play out…

Jane

One Man’s Difficult…

Someone…recently described me as…difficult…my first response was…to think of all the ways that my…difficultness…had been warranted…of all the ways…that I was…right…and they were…wrong…to perpetuate myself…as the victim…of unjust criticism…

Of course…Bertha…only let me wallow in those sentiments…for a few minutes…before…she pointed out the obvious…I was difficult…at least from…the other person’s perspective

Yikes…she was right…I was…although…I prefer to think of it as…determined…that sounds more…genteel…kind of like saying women…dew…instead of perspirealthough…they still smell like sweat at the end of the day…

Anyway…regardless of whether I was difficult or determined…she was actually proud of me…for taking a stand…for setting a boundary…for believing in my worth…for…not backing down…

And…I have to admit…these are not easy things for me to do…it’s much easier…just to go with someone else’s flow…and…say…whatever…so…that no one…refers to me as…difficult…I am a people pleaser…after all…

But…Bertha…says I have to let go of other people’s opinion of me…let go of the expectation…that…everyone…is going to…or…should…agree with me…like me…

Hmmm…not easy for a people pleaser…or a reforming people pleaser…as I hope I am

But…Bertha…promises…that as I let other people’s opinions go…and…live from my heart…that…real movement will take place in my life…movement…that will take me to the places that I want to go…

And…she says…it really isn’t…difficult

Jane