School’s Out…Who Am I…

It’s the last day of school…and just like millions of school kids…I’m ecstatic…I’m ready for the summer break…ready for sleeping a little later…ready to have more time to write…ready to…well…I’m just ready

The funny thing is…when the time actually comes…the last bell rings…leaving feels kind of odd…I’ve looked forward to it…and yet…usually…I hate to leave…I sort of hang around…not knowing how to say goodbye to my friends…my work…

The kids must feel the same way…because…the same kids that we couldn’t keep in class for love nor money all year…won’t leave once classes have dismissed…they hang around…they offer to help the teachers clean the rooms…they sweep the halls…they move furniture…they have to be shooed out of the building so we can lock up…

Berthasays…it reminds her of my life…I should have seen that one coming…anyway…she says it’s that fear of getting out of my comfort zone…even if…it isn’t where I want to be…it’s what I know…what I’m…well…comfortable with…

And…she’s right…love them or not…I have my workday routines down pat…I know what time I need to get up…go to bed…what day to shop…what day to clean…well…just because I know…doesn’t mean I do it…geez…

I think the real issue is…I don’t know who am I’m this summer…I’m not the same person I was two summers ago…when I rode my bike forty some odd miles a day and challenged my body…I’m not the same person I was last summer…when I spent most of my time on the couch…continuing to recover from surgery…this summer…I’m different…I’m writing again…I want to ride…but…I don’t want it to consume me…I want to strike a balance…spiritually…physically…mentally…creatively…

I realize…I’ve been trying to plan a rigid schedule for the summer…crack the whip…get up early…write…eat…cycle…shower…write…write…write…housework…cooking…so many things…that I want to accomplish…

And…there’s the fear…will I be able to do it all…will I be able to finish the book…will I be able to get back in shape…as long as summer is sometime in the future…I don’t have to find out…but…tomorrow…when it’s summer…well…after my dentist appointment…I have to figure that out…

It’s the fear…that has me creating the rigid schedules in my head…and…it all boils down to…am I good enough…and…the answer is…yes…I am…whether I finish the book…whether I ride my bike…whether I cook or clean…I am good enough…just because…I am…

Hmmm…time to relax…and let the days take their own structure…doing what feels right…what feels comfortable…letting the time flow with my energy…Bertha…says…that’s part of living my truth…

So…today…when that last bell rings…I wonder…will I be the first or the last one out the door…well…I probably will be among the first…see…I have a hair appointment…and I really need a cut…so when all is said and done…vanity trumps fear…

Jane

Days’d and Confused…

As much as I hate to admit it…working adds a structure to my life…that gets lost during off time…I wake up without that sense of the day in my sleep addled brain…is it Thursday…is it Friday…there is a sense of blurriness…
I tend to get lulled into complacency in the non-structure…knowing that I am more or less in charge of my time…I lose my sense of urgency for certain tasks…like my writing…my contemplation time…without the pressure of the gotta-get-to-work clock ticking…they tend to get delayed…and too often…displaced altogether…hidden somewhere under the laundry…errands…or even a good book…
It’s interesting…that when I have time to do more of the things that sustain me…that keep me sane…I tend to do less of them…there’s always that sense…I can do them in a bit…and the bit doesn’t come…
Lonely Contemplation Chair
And…it isn’t as though the things I do instead aren’t important…even necessary…in their own right…they are…the floors must be cleaned…food must be cooked…it’s a bit of the Martha and Mary conundrum…what has true value…
My heart knows the answer…it always does…I hear it speaking throughout the stillness of my unstructured days…and that is the answer…there’s too much inner noise when I work…I have to take the time to listen before I go…
That feels softer…smoothing the harsh edges I felt earlier…
My days don’t require as much time in the contemplation chair…I’m contemplating as I sweep…as I cook…as I fold…there’s a stillness in the tasks…they open the bridge between knowing and feeling…things fall into place…I continue to become who I already am
So…in the span of this page…I am no longer pining for the loss of the structure…for my working day rituals…I welcome the blurriness of my time…I welcome not having a clear sense of the day when I awake…I welcome letting it unfold as it may…as I listen to the music of my heart…
Jane