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I’m a control freak…I’ve tried to be a recovering control freak…but…so far…I’m still in full blown control mode…

I’m not sure why…I want to be spontaneous…I want to be carefree…I want to be…Bertha…but…I’m not…there are just too many details floating around…that I feel the need to wrestle to the ground…

I want to wake up on Saturday morning…and decide to go out of town…or do something totally fun…without worrying about…when the laundry will be done…or the groceries bought…

Funny…I think I used to be that person…at least a lot more than I am now…so…what happened…what turned me into the micromanager of the century…

Bertha…jumps in…the one thing I can’t control…her mouth…she says…it’s all about…

Trust

I have to admit…I didn’t see that one coming…but…she explains…over the years…I quit trusting that other people…could…would…do what they were supposed to…

But…I argue…that’s because…they…DON’T

The next thing she said…kind of bugged me…maybe that’s because I don’t give them the time and space that they need to do itmaybe it’s because…I demand that they do it…my way…and…not theirs

I hate it when…she’s right…

She also says…that…it’s about…a skewed sense of…

Responsibility

That…somehow…I mistakenly came up with the idea…that…it was my responsibility…to make everything run smoothly…to make everyone happy…

She assures me…that’s way above my pay scale

Then…she added one more thing…it’s about…

Belief

About my belief…that…it’s not okay…to just relax and have fun…because…if I do…something bad will happen…she says…that’s probably because…at some point in my past…I was relaxing and having fun…and…something bad did happen…but…she assures me…that…bad things just happen from time to time…and…it just happened to coincide with me being relaxed and having a good time…it wasn’t a punishment…

Hmmm…lots to contemplate…

Jane