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It’s New Year’s Day… 2024. Instead of a resolution… that I surely won’t keep… I generally choose a word for the year. This year… with the help of a Facebook meme…fodder for another blog… my word is CONNECTION.

Funny… I originally thought that it was only about relationships… connecting to other people… and maybe even a special someone… if I was lucky. But… as usual… Bertha… had something to say about that.

It seems that there are so many connections that I will be focusing on this year… beginning with the connection with myself. And you would think… that one would be a given. But I realized… after she pointed it out… how much I’ve let that connection flounder. I rarely do my practices of journaling… meditating… contemplating… that I did for years. And even blogging is a way that I have connected to myself as much as to others… and I haven’t posted in a long time.

So… why have I let this connection slip? Like most questions… there isn’t a simple answer. But suddenly… I know it has to do with fear. You see… I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022… and I have had a good result… but… I’ve been more superficial with myself since then. It’s almost like… it would be harder to die if I’m connected to me. If I can stay detached from myself… then I can let myself go. And I’m not saying that I’m dying. No… far from it… all my reports have come back fine. It’s just the possibility of recurrence isn’t far from my mind most of the time.

Interestingly… I wasn’t even aware of this until I started typing… and… Bertha… started whisper shouting in my ear… and her words flowed onto the page. That’s the thing about journaling and blogging… things just slip out that you weren’t even aware of. She says that’s why I have resisted it. I’m sure she’s right. Isn’t she always?

So… what will I do with this new insight? I think regular journaling… meditation… contemplation… prayer… yoga… blogging… are in order. I also think it’s time to quit taking myself and my diagnosis so seriously… not like its life or death… well… I guess it is… but… I don’t have to dwell on it. Maybe I’ll laugh more… too.

There’s a huge part of me that says this is too vulnerable… I shouldn’t post it… but… Bertha… reminds me that I can only connect with myself… when I am being my authentic self. And… my authentic self… writes… even when it ain’t pretty.

She says… I’ve only just begun to connect… I wonder what that means? I guess we’ll find out in the days to come.

Jane